


Forgive Me Brother For I Have Sinned

by Pie_pecans_and_parrots



Series: How We Love In The Shadows [3]
Category: NCT (Band), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shadow World Setting (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Childhood Friends, Demons, Dialogue Light, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Jeno is Whipped, M/M, Memories, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Na Jaemin is Whipped, Non-Graphic Violence, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, confident gay jaemin, panicked gay jeno, shadowhunter!jaemin, shadowhunter!jeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 03:46:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16189415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pie_pecans_and_parrots/pseuds/Pie_pecans_and_parrots
Summary: The one time that soulmates actually exist, he can't do anything about it - and it's driving him crazy.





	Forgive Me Brother For I Have Sinned

Jeno yanked the blade from the chest of the mantid demon – but was too slow to avoid the spurt of ichor that sprayed out over his hands and the exposed parts of his neck.

“Shit.” He swore lowly, hurriedly starting to wipe the acidic blood from his skin. His blade was long gone, the hilt still sizzling where the blade had been attached. A wet sounding squeal let him know that Jaemin had taken care of the other buglike demon they had been stalking through the alleys of the Downworld.

He turned just in time to see Jaemin in the arch back from his violent swing, long, lean lines of his body outstretched and graceful. The follow through from his momentum sent him directly into the gold light of the only streetlight – and Jeno’s breath caught at the way it lit his handsome features. They had both grown recently, Jeno more so than Jaemin – slightly taller than the other boy now – however, Jaemin’s leather armour had gotten slightly too short, and from here Jeno could make out the stark black Parabatai rune on his wrist.

“Jeno, are you alright?”

Jeno blinked rapidly, and hurried over to his beckoning Parabatai. Jaemin’s eyes widened at him as he stepped into the light – and without warning, grabbed him by the strap of his chest holster, and pulled him closer, inspecting his neck where the ichor had splashed. So close that Jeno could just about pick out the differing shades in Jaemin’s wide irises. Immediately, he felt his heart pickup – and the subsequent rush of guilt and shame.

This was something else that had grown recently – this… this increased _awareness_ of Jaemin – more than just the typical Parabatai stuff. No this was an awareness of the way the secret quirk of Jaemin’s lips made his heart flutter, the way a sweaty post-training Jaemin made him flush uncontrollably. A forbidden awareness.

“All done!” Jaemin’s hand clapping him on the shoulder drew his attention back to the present, the healing sting of an iratze on his arm, and the fading burn on his neck almost startling him. “You know to be careful with ichor burns…” Jaemin scolded him lightly, clicking his tongue in fake irritation.

Jeno smiled at him, and because he couldn’t help it – brought his hand up to cover Jaemin’s where it was still on his shoulder. “At least you’re here to patch me up.”

“What are Parabatai for?” Jaemin grinned at him, Jeno’s own smile faltering at the reminder. Jaemin frowned at him suddenly. “Are you alright though – for real? You’ve been distant recently, and its hard to get a read on you…” he sounded almost reproachful. Jeno knew exactly what he meant; once he had realised that he was actually… attracted to his Parabatai – he had doubled on his efforts to close off as much of the connection to Jaemin as possible. Jaemin’s fingers laced with his own, and brought their intertwined hands down between them, tugging Jeno even closer, and looking up at him with a sad face. “Jeno, you know I-”

“All clear then?” The loud voice from the entrance of the alleyway made Jeno recoil, snatching his hand from Jaemin’s grip – missing the confused look Jaemin sent him. Doyoung’s dark eyes moved between the two of them, one eyebrow raised in a perfect arch. “Come on, we have to get back to the institute – I think we’re having pizza for dinner.” He narrowed his eyes at Jeno. “You should have a shower – you’re filthy.” With that, the bunny-looking boy turned and left the alley, whip swinging jauntily from his hip.

Jeno scowled after him, miming his words with an ugly face. Jaemin watched him amusedly. “He’s right. You smell.”

Jeno turned to his Parabatai in exasperation, “And who’s fault was that? You were the one who _forced_ me into the dumpster to check for the demons.”

Jaemin gasped, clapping a hand to his chest as they started walking from the alley. “ _Forced_ you? You lost paper-scissors-rock, if I remember correctly.”

“ _Forced_ me _!_ ” Jeno continued to whine, making Jaemin roll his eyes at him, and swing a friendly arm around his shoulders. Jeno’s heart fluttered, and he had to pull away – muttering about not wanting Jaemin to smell.

 

* * *

 

It took another week of Jeno averting his eyes from him during training, another week of Jeno practically running from the room when he entered, another week of unexplained silences, forced laughter and _no_ cuddles for Jaemin to get well and truly mad.

_This wasn’t like his Parabatai, not like his best friend. _

Anger faded quickly to sorrow – because Jaemin must have done something awful to get Jeno to be ignoring him like this. Even before they’d become Parabatai, they had been best friends, inseparable, like two halves of the same whole. Jaemin loved Jeno with everything he had, loved every part of his friend – from his terrible, _terrible_ jokes, to his little special smile only for Jaemin, to his habit of always injuring himself in a fight, no matter what. Jaemin also wasn’t blind, and he had noticed that Jeno had… grown. Taller, and broader than Jaemin now.

Maybe that was it.

Maybe Jeno had noticed that Jaemin was… uh… noticing that his best friend was more than a little attractive.

Jaemin pursed his lips. He _had_ to clear the air. He had never wanted to make Jeno uncomfortable – and if he was, then he had to apologize. Now he just had to find a _way_ to apologize, considering the other boy wouldn’t even be in the same room as him – especially not alone.

 

* * *

 

Jeno tiredly scrubbed at his scalp, coaxing the thick suds to rinse out in the searing hot water.

Taeil had kicked his ass in training today, Jaemin offering little to no help. He had given up on talking to Jeno recently, and though it hurt, in more ways than one – having such a frosty cold shoulder was helping him numb his forbidden feelings. And it was forbidden, what he felt. Parabatai was a sacred bond, not one to be soiled with the base desire of lust, the complications of romance – _especially_ not between two boys or two girls. Jeno’s family had always been very clear about that – after a distant great-aunt had married her Parabatai, much to the conclave’s disapproval, and his family’s shame.

So. Avoidance was the key. And when he had crushed this foolish crush, then he could set about gaining Jaemin’s forgiveness. But first… avoid.

“Jeno. We need to talk.”

Jeno stiffened, suddenly ice cold despite the hot water pounding down on him. Jaemin’s voice from directly behind his shower block left no room for demands, and Jeno waited until he heard Jaemin pad away, feet making slight slapping sounds on the damp stone floor. He turned off the shower slowly, and slicked his hair back. _Maybe if he grabbed his clothes quick enough, he could make a run for it._

“And I’ve hidden your clothes so you can’t run.”

As if sensing his thought, Jaemin’s voice floated through the steam in the air towards him. Jeno growled lowly, and wrapped his towel around his waist hurriedly – and walked out of the shower towards Jaemin, trepidation rising in his chest.

 

* * *

 

Jaemin eyed Jeno as he approached, unable to stop his eyes from following the trail of a water droplet running between his abs, and soaking into the towel on his hips. Jaemin’s eyes traced the silver scars visible on Jeno’s skin, under and around his runes. He remembers when Jeno had gotten all of them, even the tiny one on his bicep from falling out of a tree when he was eight years old. He had always been the first one to his side, after the fight.

Jeno’s jaw was clenched, and he was pointedly not looking at Jaemin. Jaemin scowled, anger rising in him suddenly. “You could at least look at me.” He snapped.

“I can’t.” Jeno ground out.

“Can’t, or won’t? Because there’s a big difference, Jeno.” He put his hands on his hips, and stepped closer to the other boy – Jeno visibly recoiling, but staying his ground.

“Can’t. I _can’t_ okay – can you just like… put a shirt on or something!” Jeno burst, and as a blush started to spread across his cheeks, Jaemin was struck with a bolt of understanding.

“I could do that.” He said quietly, _praying_ that he wasn’t wrong. Slowly he reached out, and gently grasped one of Jeno’s hands, balled into fists at his side. “Or you could just look anyway. I don’t mind. I don’t mind _anything_.”

Jeno’s eyes flickered to his in disbelief, a low hiss leaving his mouth. “Nana-” he cut himself off swallowing and looking away again. “I don’t understand what you’re suggesting.” He said, overly formally, the same voice he used when Taeil was scolding them and he wanted to seem mature.

Jaemin’s delight grew inside him, bright and bubbling – and sure now, he projected as much as he could at the mental barrier Jeno had erected between them. “Jeno…” he purred at the taller boy, taking another step closer. He was so close he could feel the residue heat from Jeno’s hot shower coming off his skin. “I _want_ you to look…” he pouted, because he knew that Jeno would do anything for him when he pouted – and sure enough, Jeno’s eyes slid reluctantly back to him.

“We can’t.” Jeno said stiffly. “We _can’t_. It’s not right. My parents-”

“Are homophobic conservatives.” Jaemin said easily, hiding the bitterness that rose in him at the mention of Jeno’s horrible family. Purists and homophobes – they had essentially disowned their son when he had come out to them, and Jeno had lived in the institute with Jaemin ever since. “It’s okay.” Jeno let out a shaky breath, and slowly his eyes travelled the length of Jaemin’s body, his blush growing deeper, and his hand shaking under Jaemin’s grip. “It’s _okay_ , Jeno.” Jaemin said softly again.

Jeno’s eyes snapped back to his, and Jaemin swallowed at the intense heat in his eyes. He looked determined, set upon something, and Jaemin tilted his head back invitingly, letting his eyes half-shut. And because deep down, Jeno was brave and strong – Jaemin felt Jeno’s lips press on his firmly and quickly.

They separated quickly, Jeno pulling his head back like he had been burnt, eyes wide and fearful. Jaemin smiled at him. “Okay?” Jeno seemed to consider for a second before he nodded slightly. Jaemin reached out and slowly wrapped his other hand around to grip the back of Jeno’s neck. “Okay?” he said, colouring at the breathlessness of his own voice as he brought their heads closer again. Jeno didn’t answer him, but the resulting kiss was meaningful enough.

Jeno kissed him like he had something to prove – and maybe he did – but Jaemin didn’t care, soaking up every moment, every brush of Jeno’s hot skin against his, every hitched breath that he made. When Jeno’s hands found their way to his waist, he jumped – and gave an involuntary groan. Jeno pulled away for a moment, eyes even wider than before. “You- this is-”

“Just shut up, and kiss me.” Jaemin said lowly, and brought their lip together again.

Jeno’s grip grew firmer, and he slowly backed them towards the wooden bench in the centre of the steamy showers – turning them so that Jaemin ended up in his lap. Jaemin could feel his towel beginning to slip a little lower, a little _too_ low, considering the building heat in his stomach.

Jeno’s lips fixed themselves to his neck, and he forgot what he had been thinking about and arched into his Parabatai, as a bolt of pleasure drew another moan from his mouth. Jaemin bit down lightly as they rocked together, and Jaemin realised what the hard heat beneath him was. Gasping at the white-hot shock as they rubbed together, he pulled back, looking down at Jeno.

“We should-”

“Yeah.” Jeno was panting, pupils blown wide and lips swollen. Jaemin thought he looked beautiful. “This is-”

“Perfect.” Jaemin interrupted him, and leant down, pressing their foreheads together. “Perfect, Jeno. We’re fucking perfect.”

“We’re Parabatai-” Jeno tried to rationalise again, and Jaemin shook his head.

“We’re soulmates. It works. It _will_ work, okay – and I promise, I _swear_ that this is right. Jeno, I can’t go back after this – I can’t keep pretending.” Jaemin couldn’t find it in himself to be ashamed at the pleading tone he had taken on.

Jeno was silent, arms loose around Jaemin’s waist. Finally he met Jaemin’s eyes. “Will you… be slow with me – I can’t- I can’t pretend anymore either, but I’m still…” he couldn’t finish, mouth twisting into a grimace.

“It’s okay to be afraid. But I’m right with you. I’ll always be with you.” Jaemin assured him, tightening his grip on Jeno’s shoulders. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

Jaemin stood up, and pulled out Jeno’s clothes from under the bench. They got dressed in silence, and Jaemin couldn’t stop the fear building inside him as Jeno kept himself turned away, mute. Jaemin swallowed thickly as he fell into step with Jeno, his Parabatai silently opening the door for him. Insecurity and doubt began to make themselves at home in his chest – when Jeno grasped his wrist and spun him around.

In the darkness of the corridor, Jaemin could only just make out the smile on Jeno’s lips before he pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Jaemin’s mouth. “Goodnight.” He mumbled, smiling proudly as Jaemin gaped at him.

“ _I love you.”_


End file.
